


The Disoriented Admirers

by deviantprincess



Category: Brandon Flynn - Fandom, Sam Smith (Musician), Samdon
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2018-10-25
Packaged: 2019-07-17 07:52:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16091264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deviantprincess/pseuds/deviantprincess
Summary: A despondent young man seeks for an amusing time by attending an open mic in downtown London at a coffee shop, weeks after his relationship ended briefly with a boy. A contented memory of his past lover ruined simple everyday tasks and left him wondering if he'll ever see him again after an agonizing breakup. The answer laid hidden behind closed doors. The graceful man he once loved whole-heartily worked at the shop and he didn't know he'd have to encounter him until now.





	1. Chapter 1

I find myself gradually walking in the crisp frigid streets of downtown London, carrying nothing but a fractured powerless heart with me. The exquisite tranquil snowflakes plunging from the murky sky reminds me of how there is still beauty in this atrocious world and how I can carry on as if my heart had never been broken by  _him._ But everyday I feel crushed. I feel like our compelling wonderful memories shared together is weighing me down, like I'm barely surviving being painfully compressed by heartbreak. No matter how hard I try, it is always there. And I often wonder how he's cooperating with the split. The last I ever saw him was when I left his house, furiously mad and distressed at him for wanting to end our relationship. I pleaded him to stay and for him to see the refinement of our love. Still, he was confident with his decision and hadn't changed his mind after all the things I said. So I left him, like he wanted me to. 

Maybe he's right and I'm overreacting. We've been together for so long. It was time for us to see other people. I haven't seen anyone since our breakup. Brandon was my everything and it almost feels wrong to move on to someone else; to give a random guy all my pure love like I did with him. It was like stabbing him in the back or cheating on him, even though we're not together. But that's how it's going to be from now on.

My bleak shivering body can't handle much of this chilly weather, so I decide to enter a nearby coffee shop around the corner. I casually walk in and I automatically feel a vigorous wave of heat infest me, which feels lovely and refreshing knowing my entire body was icy seconds ago. The majority of the time entering the shop, I looked down and avoided eye contact so I didn't feel awkward walking in a quiet space. The moment I decide to pay attention and look up, I feel a gasp escape my lips and I feel my heart stop. 

_Brandon._

_The man I once loved whole-heartily. The man that made me believe in love. The man I wanted to spend my life with._

_The man I was engaged to._

My eyes are watering and I want to pour out a waterfall. My stomach feels nauseous just seeing his ecstatic delicate face. Seeing someone you were so in love with and ended on bad terms is the worst feeling, considering how appalling the relationship became towards the end. The fact that he's here, minding his business and working as if he never had a lover for 4 years is a punch to the gut. Yet again I'm thinking why it's so easy for him to move on. Well, it was his idea to break up in the first place.

I can't leave the coffee shop. The main reason why I entered in the first place is to watch the open mic night they are having tonight in this shop. I've thought about participating but I've kept my singing ability private during the time we were together because I was willing to put my dreams aside to be with him. Nothing else mattered except him. Now that we're over, I suppose I have time to make my dream a reality. But thinking about Brandon watching me perform in this shop where he works at is making me feel sick. I don't know how he'd feel about that if I ever did. 

I anxiously walk up to the counter where he is at to give my order. Once he realizes I am the next customer, he froze like how I did when I entered. He is shocked and surprised.

"Hey..." I ungracefully say, my heart racing like crazy. The tension between us is already unbareable. 

"Hi..." He nonchalantly replies. "What can I get for you?"

"Um, I'll get the hot chocolate. Size small."

As he's pressing buttons on the screen, I feel the need to say something about our fight. I want to apologize to him about my exaggerated behavior the night I left. But would it be appropriate to discuss about it as he's working? He seems contented and I don't want to ruin his mood. 

"Look, I'm really sorry about the way things ended." I find myself saying to him. "I was overreacting about the situation and I think it was reasonable to take a break. I was just frustrated and upset and I didn't mean to make you feel bad about it."

"You're now just apologizing?" I'm astounded by his response. He resembles the feeling of annoyance and outrage but I know that's not his intention. Or maybe it is. Clearly he's pissed at me for something. 

"It's better than not saying anything at all." I defend calmly, not wanting to add feud between us anymore than it has. "I didn't say anything because I was mad at you." 

"So you decide to show up while I'm working to talk about it?" 

"I didn't know you work here. I literally didn't know this coffee shop even existed. I just happened to come across it. I saw you and I thought I might as well say sorry while you're here. I'm sorry I didn't apologize sooner like how you wanted me to." 

Brandon isn't sure how to reply after that. He's pressing buttons on the screen and adjusting my order not knowing what to say. I know this is hard for him to digest and it's hard for me too. I don't expect him to forgive me right on the spot but I expect him to understand what I'm trying to say. I just want this to be over with. 

"All this time I was convinced it was my fault." He says. "You made me feel awful about what I did but I only did it because I thought it would be best to spent time apart to find ourselves. We were together all the time and I wanted to know what it'd be like to be alone and maybe be with someone else."

"I know and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have reacted the way I did. But, you should've just told me you didn't have feelings for me anymore." 

"With the way you reacted that night, I'm sure it would have been worse if I straight up told you the truth." 

More people enter the shop and proceed to get in line. That was my cue to end this conversation so people can order what they want. I wish we had more time to talk about it. But of course, Brandon has to work and do his job. 

"I'm not mad at you." I quickly add on. "And none of this is your fault. It was good of you to come forward about. I just wish I could've understood clearer and not be pissed about it." 

I pull out 4 dollars from my coat and proceed to give it to him to pay for my drink. He stares at it for a second and denies it, which I'm obviously confused at. 

"It's on the house." He asserts. "And um, I actually have a break in about 5 minutes. I was thinking we could talk. Looks like we could really use it." 

"Okay." I slightly grin, putting my money back into my pocket before finding a table for me to sit at. 

***

Daydreaming. 

It feels like I'm dreaming, that I'm imagining the hallucinatory juncture of us enthusiastically speaking to each other while having a warm cup of hot chocolate. What meant to be his 5 minute break became a 30 minute break, just to talk to me about things we should have discussed before. There were no hard feelings. Everything was brutally honest, just how I like it to be. We were actually comfortable mentioning stuff that probably would have offended us both if we had talked earlier while we were still upset at each other. Getting to sit down and talk to him was just what I needed and I'm sure he needed it to. If I hadn't said anything and just ordered my hot chocolate, things wouldn't turn out like this. Everything would stay the same; no communication and no interest. 

Open mic happened to be happening as we were chatting. Most of them are singers and I thought they delivered a pretty solid performance. It's making me think if I should do it one day, just for fun, nothing serious. It would be weird though if I performed here in the coffee shop Brandon works at. He's never heard me sing. I mean, there was only one time he heard me sing and that was when I felt enjoyable enough to cook him breakfast.

_"Wise men say only fools rush in. But I can't help falling in love with you." I sang aloud, scrambling the eggs with the spatula. "Shall I stay, would it be a sin? Oh if I can't help falling in love with you."_

 " _You have a beautiful voice." Brandon said out of nowhere, me causing to let out a small squeak. I spun around to look at him._

_"Fuck, you scared me." I breathed out but it was followed by a chuckle. "But, thank you." I went over and gave him a quick kiss on his lips._

_"If you were a singer, I'd be your biggest fan. I'd buy all your records and go to all of your shows."_

_"You'd be the first, then." I grinned, turning back around to stir the eggs so they don't burn. I felt his arms wrap around me from behind. He rested his head on my back and swayed side to side like he would during a slow dance. He'd always do this and I wasn't mad about it at all. It was cute the way he showed admiration to me, especially like this._

_"I love you." He commented loudly, making sure I heard over the loud sizzling the eggs cooking made. My lips curled into a smile. This boy will be the death of me._

_"I love you more."_

Moments like this I'd overlap my hand on top of his on the table as a romantic gesture. I'd even hold his hand and give it a small squeeze. I glare down on his gorgeous muscular hand on the table, picturing myself do it, as I can't anymore. I don't hate him for making us split. Us getting back together is highly unlikely to happen knowing he doesn't feel that way about me anymore. I still love him and I'd run straight back if he wants to get back together again. I wouldn't do a doubletake. 

"Thanks for buying me hot chocolate." I mention heartily. "And thanks for deciding to talk to me. I thought it was good to chat about it." 

"No problem. I think this was just what we needed." He delivers. "You should come by often. Work gets kinda boring these days. It would be nice to see you." 

"I don't know about that. I don't want to bother you. I seemed like a distraction today. Even your co-workers noticed." 

"Okay maybe not often but once in a while." He lightly chuckles, which makes me chuckle as well. "I'll see you around then?" 

"Sure." 

I say goodbye to Brandon and thank him again for paying for my drink. I stay for a little longer even though it's dark outside and probably freezing. But then I remember the bus will arrive, so I gather my things to get there sooner. I watch as Brandon packs his uniform in his backpack and I feel the need to talk him to him, to say the last goodbye even though we just did. But someone walks in and approaches him. 

They smile at each other and hug but suddenly the guy gives him a kiss. In that moment my heart broke even more. My heart is already broken from so many things but seeing him kiss another guy left a huge dent on my heart. He's moved on. 

Brandon found someone who loves him more than I ever could. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that this is NOT the "next chapter." Think of it more like a flashback, because that is what this is. A flashback usually tends to have the entire thing italicized, but in this case, it is not because I knew I'd have other things italicized as well.

"How's Brandon?" The horrid anticipating phrase lingers into my mind. I wistfully peer down at my ring finger, where the elegant silver ring used to be placed. Now it isn't there as it should be and that eradicates me severely. I haven't really addressed the upsetting situation to Tiffany yet and I'm bewildered that she hasn't acknowledged or speculated anything going on between Brandon and I. Considering I haven't invited him over and stopped talking about him anymore should be some kind of sign that we've stopped seeing each other. Others have figured it out without me saying anything. 

"Great, I suppose?" I painfully remark. My murky eyes move away from my finger. "I don't know. We're not together anymore, so I can't really tell how he's doing."

"Oh....Oh I'm sorry, I didn't know." She attempts to hearten the aura but seemingly, she's dazzled and sorry for me, which I understand. Only now she finds out about it and I know I should've said something about it earlier. 

"It's okay. I meant to tell you but, it hurt to talk about it and, it still does." 

"What happened? You both seemed so happy together."

"We were, or so I thought." A teardrop finally skid down on my cheek. I can picture almost every moment when Brandon was smiling, so contented and elated with our relationship. From blushing so hard after we had our first kiss by the river near his house to ugly crying when I said "Yes" to the proposal, it felt real. All of that _was_ real. To know all of that was a lie hurt the most out of me but it was so perplexing to understand. If he was unhappy, why did he stay? Why would he pretend?

"Did you guys fight a lot?" Tiffany asks, disconnecting the heavy anguish piling up on me. To even imagine us fighting doesn't seem preposterous anymore. 

"No, no we never fought." I clarify. "The only time we fought was the night I left. That was it."

"What did you fight about?" 

_"I'm really sorry but, I think it's for the best."_

_"Brandon..." My gloomy ocean eyes are commencing a powerful storm. "How can you say it's for the best? Nothing of this is for the best. What about our marriage? Our future?"_

_"Sam I-"_

_"What happened with wanting to spend the rest of your life with me? Isn't that what you said when you asked me to marry you?"_

_"Yes but, it's not like that anymore. Things have changed."_

_"What has changed?"_

_"My love for you!"_

"Nothing..." The appalling distorted memory firmly dissolves out of sight. I feel as I am still weak to further explain the complex issue that went on between us to her. It shouldn't be hard to say, but it is. So I sit there, already in tears from revisiting the sorrowful flashback-wishing for him to come back. 

"I'm sorry." I cry out. Tiffany immediately pulls me into a hug. 

"Hey, it's okay. Don't be sorry. I shouldn't have asked in the first place." She comforts me, rubbing my back. 

As I listen to her advice while she's still embraced with me, I drive myself into another state of mind-one where I'm back living an impeccable life with  _him._ There were days where I'd feel desolation and Brandon would notice, doing what Tiffany is doing to me-holding me in his arms, expressing relaxation to me to make me feel better. But the man I loved dearly isn't here to do that anymore. I hate that he isn't here, loving me as a partner should. The pure disappointment and remorse I have is crumbling me into pieces and I'm not sure if I can get myself back into place. If I had loved him enough, maybe he would have stayed. Maybe the future we wanted would have happened. But it didn't. It never will. 

 


End file.
